Things that are better than sex. Pie Crust Wrapped Baked Apples.

SO Thanksgiving. We usually go to CT to see my friend Melissa who should be a chef but isnt and instead hosts wonderful Thaksgivings and dinner parties all the time for those of us who dont really live near family. She always does crazy good shit. This year while dinner was amazeballs, when she got up from the table and went into the kitchen after dinner and said "oh Im just gonna make dessert real quick" I KNEW I had to follow her ass because she was about to put it down. So I did.

So the result was this.


Know what this is? THIS right here is an entire apple, peeled and cored, then stuffed with delicious then wrapped in pie crust then drizzled with more delicious then topped with homemade whipped cream. Yes. Ill give you a second to wipe the drool off of your chin.

So basically what she did was peel and core an apple. In the center she stuffed a mixture of sugar, butter and cinnamon THEN she took out some ready made pie crusts and WRAPPED that bitch. THEN as if that wasnt enough, brushed an egg wash on top and sprinkled more cinnamon and sugar then baked it.

She took some heavy cream and sweetened it with vanilla bean and sugar and whipped it into a fluffy rich mass of delicious and threw it on top.

Im stalking her now for the exact recipe. Stay tuned.

Homemade Cereal

MMMM Cereal. The ultimate frenemy. Its packed with protein and fiber, yet the fat content and sugar content on a lot of cereal AND in a lot of granola is out of control (as my pant size can attest, I really haven't been giving much of a shit about fat content these days)... The thing I love most about this is its free of all the crazy shit they put into commercial cereal and of course.. its DELICIOUS and your house will smell like it should belong in Better Homes and Gardens.

We have been on a homemade yogurt kick in our house this week and this on top of it is just Nirvana.. This recipe makes a TON of Granola cereal. So while initially if you dont have wheatgerm, etc in your house it may be a little pricey, it all evens out when you consider its making you an enormous amount of granola.

We store this in super cute airtight containers (because face it everything is better when its stored in cute containers) to add a little happyness in my grumpy mornings..This recipe is totally interchangeable.. it comes out crunchy and is great with some milk like regular cereal.

So here it is, enjoy!
Ingredients

7 cups quick cooking oats
1 cup wheat germ
1 cup wheat bran
1/2 cup brown sugar
1/2 cup vegetable oil
1/2 cup honey
1/2 cup water
1 tablespoon vanilla extract
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon (optional)
1 teaspoon ground nutmeg (optional)
1 teaspoon salt
1 cup chopped dates (I use raisins)
1 cup chopped pecans (I use almonds)
1 cup flaked coconut (Yuck. I hate coconut but this was in the original recipe but I just left it out and put in some flax)

Directions

Preheat oven to 275 degrees F (135 degrees C).
In a large bowl, mix oats, wheat germ, and wheat bran.
In a medium bowl, blend brown sugar, vegetable oil, honey, and water. Mix in vanilla extract, cinnamon, nutmeg, and salt. Stir the brown sugar mixture into the oat mixture until evenly moist, and transfer to a large, shallow baking dish.
Bake 45 minutes in the preheated oven, stirring every 15 minutes, until lightly brown. Mix dates, pecans, and coconut into the dish, and continue baking about 15 minutes. Allow to cool, and store in airtight containers.

The Best Brownies You Have Ever Had (aka salted fudge brownies)

Dudes. First of all, I apologize for the crappy picture but who has time to get artsy fartsy when you have this chunk of chocolate nirvana sitting infront of you. It was calling me.. JESSSICAAAAAAAAAAAA.. so I thought of you first and snapped a pic with my iphone and quickly inhaled this beauty. Now, I have made a LOT of brownies in my lifetime. Infact, brownies are sort of my "thing" in terms of baking. My daughter and I love nothing more than a tray of brownies and a good movie. Srsly. Im no joke.

But this recipe right here.. THIS right here.. from Food and Wine, was knock your ass out of your seat delicious amazing good. Infact when I made these, my daughter took a bite and said to me "I love you just a little more now". No joke. Thats totally what she said.

Again, I found this through that betch over there at eat live run who Im sure has been sent by either one of the girls who tortured me in High School, my mother or my ex to make me fat. And its working. She got it from Tasty Kitchen who got it from Katie Krader at Food and Wine. Whatever. All of us agree, that these are like little bars of crack and I have no control. If I had any more time, these would be made every night.

To prove how out of control we are in my house, we didnt even get to take a picture, however, Im making another batch possibly tonight and will post a pic of those. There is also a pic at the food and wine site

I am going to give you the food and wine original recipe but my notes are in parenthesis. I found that this needed longer to cook than indicated on the recipe and a few others found this to be true as well. I cooked for 50 minutes and nothing was burned. Also be prepared for a thicker batter. Not thin watery pourable batter.
I also used a crazy good cocoa powder from Cocoa Supply since the owner of that company is one of my besties I got a sweet deal on some GREAT cocoa powder.

So here it is, Salted Fudge Brownies (with my recipe modifications)

1 1/2 sticks unsalted butter
2 ounces unsweetened chocolate,
finely chopped 1/4 cup plus 2 tablespoons unsweetened cocoa
2 cups sugar
3 large eggs
1 1/2 teaspoons pure vanilla extract
1 cup all-purpose flour
1/2 teaspoon sea salt


Preheat the oven to 350°.

Line a 9-inch square metal cake pan with foil, draping the foil over the edges. Lightly butter the foil (I hate messing with that madness so I used pam).

In a large saucepan, melt the butter with the unsweetened chocolate over very low heat, stirring occasionally. Remove from the heat. Whisking them in one at a time until thoroughly incorporated, add the cocoa, sugar, eggs, vanilla and flour. Pour the batter into the prepared pan and smooth the surface. Sprinkle the salt evenly over the batter. Using a butter knife, swirl the salt into the batter. (Note: the batter is pretty thick. It takes a little muscle work to stir this up. Its more like folding the salt into the batter than stirring)

Bake the fudge brownies in the center of the oven for about 35 minutes (Seriously I needed 50 minutes), until the edge is set but the center is still a bit soft and a toothpick inserted into the center comes out coated with a little of the batter.

Let the brownies cool at room temperature in the pan for 1 hour, then refrigerate [NO EATING RIGHT AWAY! THIS IS WHERE THE MAGIC HAPPENS!] just until they are firm, about 1 hour.

Lift the brownies from the pan and peel off the foil. Cut the brownies into 16 squares. Serve at room temperature.

Make Ahead The salted fudge brownies can be refrigerated for up to 3 days, and frozen for up to 1 month.

Fo Yo Tummy!

So there is nothing I love more than weeknight food stuff that doesn't LOOK like weeknight food stuff. Case in point, homemade yogurt. The reason why homemade yogurt is perf for the week is because you can start the process before bed, go to sleep, wake up and VOILA Yogurt! Stick it in the fridge before you go to work and nosh on your homemade creamy treat when you get home. I swear its like the grownup version of the tooth fairy coming to visit.

So recently I have been on a shitload of antibiotics. I apparently got Ecoli poisoning and didn't realize it and it went to my digestive tract and moved to my kidneys. No bueno. Not fun. Its been since June that we have been trying to treat it and since June I've been on many rounds of antibiotics that upset my already sensitive tummy. It took us months to diagnose and the whole time I was taking the wrong antibiotics. Needless to say my already sensitive stomach is not happy and I keep living in fear of the yeasterbunny coming to make an appearance. So with my current meds, which will be the last round before I have to get an IV of antibiotics, I am able to tolerate dairy. So what could be better than homemade creamy yogurt with fresh fruit and honey and tons of probiotics?

The very overly complicated explanation of this is making yogurt is essentially growing bacteria. You are heating the milk, then taking the temp down to 100. At 100 it is a good warm temperature for the cultures in your starter to grow and multiply. Your aim is to hold a 100 degree temp for at least 7 hours. This is going allow for the bacteria and lactic acid to grow.

This is the same process for making cheese. Infact, you could turn this very recipe into cheese by straining it for 5 hours over a cheese cloth. You will get a yummy cream cheese by doing this.

For those all freaked out over this, calm the fuck down. Go get a pot, get a thermometer and cup of milk and a container of yogurt and lets get started.

What you need
4 cups of milk
3 tbs plain yogurt (any brand will do as long as it has active cultures- you can use your own next time)
Thermometer
Container

Put a kettle of water on the stove. When its done boiling pour it into the container you will be storing your yogurt in to kill and germs. Let it sit there while you do the following.

Put your milk on a pot on the stove. Heat it to approximately 180. You want almost boiling but not yet boiling. So some people get all crazy about what temperature to heat their milk but I can safely say because I make soap I have a good gage as to what approx 180 is. Its almost boiling but not quite.

Once your milk hits 180, turn off the stove.

Fill your sink with cold water about 1/4 way full. Stick your pot in that. You are trying to now cool down your milk to about 100 which to me is slightly warmer than room temp this time of year. Once your milk has hit around 100 degrees, add three tbs of yogurt and stir to dissolve. Once dissolved cover your container, wrap in a towel and leave in the oven for 8 hours with the light on. The longer you leave the yogurt incubating the more tart it will be some people like tart yogurt and leave it for 12 hours. Its totally a personal choice.

Once your incubation time us up, remove the yogurt. You will find that the milk is thick and custardy. There may be some liquid on top. This is whey and its jam packed with vitamins. You can either strain out the whey with a cheesecloth (creating a thicker Greek yogurt) or you can stir it in for more vitamins and good stuff. I usually stir it in. Place your container in the back of the fridge for 3 hours to get the good probiotics growing.

After a few hours, eat and enjoy.

It has been argued that you don't NEED to heat your milk of your using pasteurized milk, but I'm a bit of a germaphobe and I think this also lends to the thickness of the yogurt.

Note: Your yogurt is not sweetened. It is suggested you sweeten with honey or vanilla or fruit after you make the yogurt. Not before.

Homemade yogurt is a different consistency than store bought yogurt which is often loaded with gelatin or pectin to thicken. It is a creamier fresher taste.

4 cups of milk = 4 cups of yogurt.

And yes that is my new vintage pyrex casserole dish. Isnt it KEYUUUUTE?!?

Monday Night Strawberry Not Really Key Lime Pie

So, this recipe is all over the interwebs, I admit. But I had to try to do something to make this pop, hence the strawberries. Besides, that weird yellow color that key lime pie gets kind of skeeves me out so I like the pink strawberry color much better. Before we get started allow me to clarify a few a few things.

1. I am not a Key Lime Pie snob. I know a lot of folks out there are. So dont comment on what the hell an "authentic" key lime pie is and how you are from Florida and I dont know what the f Im talking about because I didn't even use real KEY limes. I live in New York, betches. I didn't have Key Limes growing in my yard, and since all the child molesters seem to live in Florida, I decided to save myself the trip and possible molestation and instead took my ass to the Ghetto assed Associated supermarket around the corner and got some regular limes-4 for a dollar and chatted up my favorite chola checkout girl..multitasking like a MOFO!! 2. Apparently there is some debate as to whether or not a key lime pie should be baked. I have many phobias. One of them is giant cockroaches and the other is food poisoning. So seeing as this has 4 egg yolks in it. I'm not playing. This bad boy will be baked. So shut your pie hole (*snort*) and get all your shit together and lets handle this scandal because its Monday and well, this pie is going to rock your face.

Oh and yes that bowl in my picture was purchased at Ikea and it has a POUR SPOUT (fancy) and I was told by the very gay guy next to me who Gabby and I were basically eavesdropping on (lets face it.. we all know gay guys tend to know more about kitchenware than us chicks do) that this bowl was featured on Glee. Yes. Hate on me, haters.

But.. ahemmm.. moving right along...

What you need
1 14oz can of condensed milk
1/2 cup of lime juice
1/2 cup pureed strawberries
4 egg yolks
1 tsp lime zest
Already made graham cracker pie crust (I know, trailer trashin it up round here!)

Preheat your oven to 350.

First, puree your strawberries in a blender or with a hand mixer or with a food processor. My food processor decided to break up with me, so I used my hand mixer. You want your berries to be pretty much liquid.

Second, dump your can of Condensed Milk into a bowl. Leave just enough so you can be trashy and scoop out a good scoopful with a spoon and eat it straight up cuz thats how we do around these parts...

Add your lime juice to the condensed milk, then add your strawberry puree. Next, add your egg yolks. Next add your lime zest. Mix that badboy up really well. In other words, sing happy birthday 4 times and by the end of the 4th time it should be done.

Dump that deliciousness into your pie crust and throw it in your 350 degree oven for 30 min.

Let set then throw it in the fridge for a few hours to set even more and to make sure its cold (cuz for real.. key lime pie warm? Insert dry heave here.)

I think if I retry this during a weekend I could get down with some sort peppermint cookie crust because I'm a heffer like that.

Fancy Bitch (not really) Cherry Clafoutis

Hello Strangers. I am back. Like Dixie rising from the dead on All My Churrin, here I am! So much has happened since I started this blog. First, the little sugar baby sweetie pie is now 14 and about to go to HIGH SCHOOL and I have enrolled in CULINARY School! Yes bitches. Its about to be on.

So lets reacquaint ourselves. Sort of a starting over. Hi. Im Jessica. I'm a straight up dessert whore. I admit it. I don't do gluten free, I don't do low fat and I don't do margarine. Get it? Got it? Moving right along.

Lets start off our new happy lives together with Cherry Clafoutis.

Yes that shit sounds fancy. But it really isnt. But if you want to look like your worldly, tell your peeps "yeah tonight I made a Cherry Clafoutis" and watch them swoon. Really, its a baked cherry pancake. That shit is easy peasy and since its summer cherrys are on the cheap.

I got this recipe from that bitch over there at eat live run. I hate this girl. I hate her in the way that really means I love her. My friend Mary is always posting her yummy recipes on my Facebook wall, and this one made me run to the fruit stand and get a pound of cherries and bring it on home on a WEDNESDAY night (gasp)! SO... here you have it. Fancy bitch Cherry Clafoutis courtesy of Eat Live Run who swiped that shiz from Gourmet Magazine.

1 lb cherries, pitted

1/2 cup sugar

1 cup milk (I used almond milk)

4 T melted butter

1 vanilla bean, scraped (yeah.. not happening on a weeknight, I used a tsp of vanilla extract)

4 eggs

1/2 cup flour

1/4th tsp salt

Directions:

Preheat oven to 400 degrees.

Spray a nine inch square pan with cooking spray and scatter your pitted cherries along the bottom. Place all other ingredients in a blender and process until smooth. Pour batter over cherries and bake for 40 minutes until golden brown. Let cool and sprinkle with powdered sugar.

Time:

50 minutes

Now, a few things. This thing is going to puff up really pretty in the oven then deflate. The consistency is going to be like a mix between an eggy baked pancake (ever been to August in NYC?) and a custard. Its not super sweet. Its sweet enough to be delicious, but not so sweet that you have cotton mouth and frantically dig in the fridge for a glass of milk (not that there's anything wrong with that!)

Make this in your cutest vintage dress. Flip your hair out ala Patty Duke and put on your highest peep toe heels. Place on a cheesy cake stand on a cute vintage table and sit down eat, and feel muy grandcosa.

Grown up Grilled Cheese

If I could just sit on my ass all day long watching food network, eating fancy sandwiches, reading trashy gossip blogs and watching All My Churrun, I would. However, in order to support the fruit of my ovaries and pay for the mountains of vintage dresses one must acquire to achieve true happyness in life I need to work a soul sucking day job and have all of my creativity drained out of me as a full time bitch.. ahhem I mean Legal Secretary at a large lawfirm.

So I make it a point to find time to cook every day. It makes me feel better. It makes me happy. It makes me feel like there is more to my life than listening to the senseless rambleing of lawyers and the pitiful sighs of my fellow secretaries all day long. Plus, my ass is usually broke and the menu that my fancy bitch that lives in my head reads is usually pretty expensive to buy in NY, and well, fast food gives me the shits.

So the recipe of this week came to me as an inspiration from one of my favorite sandiwches at my favorite local spots in Astoria. Every day they have a fancy grilled cheese of the day. Now, to be perfectly honest, I, as a white girl whose family is from the south, am not physically capable of turning down a normal white trash special grilled cheese. You know the kind... made with wonderbread that sticks to your front teeth and butter and sliced wiggly processed cheese food. If you throw some bologna in that bitch.. you very well may be able to get down my pants. But the fancy bitch that lives in my brain tells me this is unacceptable to make for myself and my child so this is my variation of my very own fancy grilled cheese sandwich.

Ingredients

1/4 Manchengo Cheese
1/4 Cheddar Cheese
1/4 Gruyere

2 pieces of multigrain (read fancy bread of your choice) bread
Fresh Spinach

2 Tomatoes cut in wedges
1 tsp olive oil
1 clove crushed garlic
salt and pepper to taste.

Preheat oven to 400
Wash and slice up tomato and place in an oven proof dish. Drizzle with olive oil and crushed garlic and salt and pepper. Roast for 15 minutes, or until the outside of the tomato looks wrinkley and the tomato is smooshy. (yes I said smooshy)

While doing this prepare your bread. Butter each side of the bread lightly with butter. The real shit. Lets not go down the margarine route. Just dont do it.

Remove tomatoes from oven and place in dish and squish. Its now like a tomato chunky yummy sauce. Set to the side.

Add one slice of bread to a frying pan. Add 1 each of each cheese and top with spinach then top with tomato then the second piece of bread. Allow to sit for approx 3 minutes on med. heat until the bread is golden brown. Flip. Do the same with the other side.

Place on plate with a side of Wassabi Mayo.

Notice there are leftovers. You are welcome. Now go make yourself seconds.

:D