Monday Night Strawberry Not Really Key Lime Pie

So, this recipe is all over the interwebs, I admit. But I had to try to do something to make this pop, hence the strawberries. Besides, that weird yellow color that key lime pie gets kind of skeeves me out so I like the pink strawberry color much better. Before we get started allow me to clarify a few a few things.

1. I am not a Key Lime Pie snob. I know a lot of folks out there are. So dont comment on what the hell an "authentic" key lime pie is and how you are from Florida and I dont know what the f Im talking about because I didn't even use real KEY limes. I live in New York, betches. I didn't have Key Limes growing in my yard, and since all the child molesters seem to live in Florida, I decided to save myself the trip and possible molestation and instead took my ass to the Ghetto assed Associated supermarket around the corner and got some regular limes-4 for a dollar and chatted up my favorite chola checkout girl..multitasking like a MOFO!! 2. Apparently there is some debate as to whether or not a key lime pie should be baked. I have many phobias. One of them is giant cockroaches and the other is food poisoning. So seeing as this has 4 egg yolks in it. I'm not playing. This bad boy will be baked. So shut your pie hole (*snort*) and get all your shit together and lets handle this scandal because its Monday and well, this pie is going to rock your face.

Oh and yes that bowl in my picture was purchased at Ikea and it has a POUR SPOUT (fancy) and I was told by the very gay guy next to me who Gabby and I were basically eavesdropping on (lets face it.. we all know gay guys tend to know more about kitchenware than us chicks do) that this bowl was featured on Glee. Yes. Hate on me, haters.

But.. ahemmm.. moving right along...

What you need
1 14oz can of condensed milk
1/2 cup of lime juice
1/2 cup pureed strawberries
4 egg yolks
1 tsp lime zest
Already made graham cracker pie crust (I know, trailer trashin it up round here!)

Preheat your oven to 350.

First, puree your strawberries in a blender or with a hand mixer or with a food processor. My food processor decided to break up with me, so I used my hand mixer. You want your berries to be pretty much liquid.

Second, dump your can of Condensed Milk into a bowl. Leave just enough so you can be trashy and scoop out a good scoopful with a spoon and eat it straight up cuz thats how we do around these parts...

Add your lime juice to the condensed milk, then add your strawberry puree. Next, add your egg yolks. Next add your lime zest. Mix that badboy up really well. In other words, sing happy birthday 4 times and by the end of the 4th time it should be done.

Dump that deliciousness into your pie crust and throw it in your 350 degree oven for 30 min.

Let set then throw it in the fridge for a few hours to set even more and to make sure its cold (cuz for real.. key lime pie warm? Insert dry heave here.)

I think if I retry this during a weekend I could get down with some sort peppermint cookie crust because I'm a heffer like that.

Fancy Bitch (not really) Cherry Clafoutis

Hello Strangers. I am back. Like Dixie rising from the dead on All My Churrin, here I am! So much has happened since I started this blog. First, the little sugar baby sweetie pie is now 14 and about to go to HIGH SCHOOL and I have enrolled in CULINARY School! Yes bitches. Its about to be on.

So lets reacquaint ourselves. Sort of a starting over. Hi. Im Jessica. I'm a straight up dessert whore. I admit it. I don't do gluten free, I don't do low fat and I don't do margarine. Get it? Got it? Moving right along.

Lets start off our new happy lives together with Cherry Clafoutis.

Yes that shit sounds fancy. But it really isnt. But if you want to look like your worldly, tell your peeps "yeah tonight I made a Cherry Clafoutis" and watch them swoon. Really, its a baked cherry pancake. That shit is easy peasy and since its summer cherrys are on the cheap.

I got this recipe from that bitch over there at eat live run. I hate this girl. I hate her in the way that really means I love her. My friend Mary is always posting her yummy recipes on my Facebook wall, and this one made me run to the fruit stand and get a pound of cherries and bring it on home on a WEDNESDAY night (gasp)! SO... here you have it. Fancy bitch Cherry Clafoutis courtesy of Eat Live Run who swiped that shiz from Gourmet Magazine.

1 lb cherries, pitted

1/2 cup sugar

1 cup milk (I used almond milk)

4 T melted butter

1 vanilla bean, scraped (yeah.. not happening on a weeknight, I used a tsp of vanilla extract)

4 eggs

1/2 cup flour

1/4th tsp salt

Directions:

Preheat oven to 400 degrees.

Spray a nine inch square pan with cooking spray and scatter your pitted cherries along the bottom. Place all other ingredients in a blender and process until smooth. Pour batter over cherries and bake for 40 minutes until golden brown. Let cool and sprinkle with powdered sugar.

Time:

50 minutes

Now, a few things. This thing is going to puff up really pretty in the oven then deflate. The consistency is going to be like a mix between an eggy baked pancake (ever been to August in NYC?) and a custard. Its not super sweet. Its sweet enough to be delicious, but not so sweet that you have cotton mouth and frantically dig in the fridge for a glass of milk (not that there's anything wrong with that!)

Make this in your cutest vintage dress. Flip your hair out ala Patty Duke and put on your highest peep toe heels. Place on a cheesy cake stand on a cute vintage table and sit down eat, and feel muy grandcosa.